And Then There Were Four

I am the youngest of seven children born under three marriages, but comprising only two constellations of siblings: Russell and Larum. I was perhaps six months old when my eldest brother Ronald went off to Vietnam. That should give you some sense of the remoteness the baby in the family can feel toward his oldest siblings. But ours was far from a normal family. “Blended” wouldn’t do it justice, so I leave that tale for another day.

Six boys and one girl, which means that both mom and sis were strong women in a way that could put to shame many a man I have known. Mom buried three husbands and two sons. I am very grateful she was already home to greet the latest departure. On Friday, September 29, 2017, Michael, my third-oldest brother, went home to be with his Lord and enjoy a family reunion I can only hope for. And then there were four.

One would think that having six siblings would minimize the intense sense of loss somewhat. But it doesn’t. Seven is the full set. Anyone missing leaves us less. I felt this first at the news of my brother John’s death in 1992. He was only forty-three; I was nearly twenty-eight and already overly familiar with the process of grief having lost my father when I was thirteen. As I recall it, I was deep into a construction project with my son Nikolai—a toddling two-year-old who loved stacking the blocks up into imaginary castles almost as much as I did—when I received the news. I was totally unprepared for my reaction: shock, sorrow, and relief. Relief? Yes, relief. I suppose it is time to introduce you to my brother John.

John was my mother’s second son. She was a recently minted nineteen-year-old when she had him. Though young, the drama of life had already swept her into a tale that would ultimately rival any soap opera and still surprises audiences when I tell it. John was the only boy among us with black hair. “You don’t look like the rest of them,” folks would often say. “If I only had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that,” was his frequent reply. The rest of us boys were redheads. Barbara stood out because she was the girl. John, well, John was different.

All my siblings are charming, but I admit I am biased. John was charming in a way that would make women who knew better swoon. Handsome, athletic, driven, brilliant and armed at an early age with a sociopathic lack of conscience, John was an exhilarating and dangerous roller coaster to ride. As life would have it, he was the older sibling who showed up on the scene to “help” my mother when my father was dying of emphysema and lung cancer. “Help” meant that he was there to engage and challenge his teenaged baby brothers, Timothy and Nikolas (that’s me on the left—people often confused us even though our names only share two letters), who were the last left at home. And “help” is in quotes because his move to Arkansas from California wasn’t motivated by any sense of obligation or altruism. Narcotics officers were hot on his tail and he thought it best to let his California market fade away in his rearview mirror.

John taught us all the things older brothers shouldn’t teach their younger siblings and a few that they absolutely should. The shoulds ran the range from expanding my literary horizons to knowing how to put my fist through wood if necessary. The should-not’s I won’t list, except for this one: if you want to score a million dollars, don’t try stealing it from one guy; instead, find a way to con a million people out of a buck. That was John, the consummate conman.

Our last conversation was a godsend. We must have talked on the phone for nearly two hours. I laughed so hard I couldn’t cry anymore. “I finally got your number from Mother, but she still wouldn’t give me your address,” he said. I laughed. “John, you know I love you. I simply can’t afford you.” He laughed. Good times. He died of an overdose not long after that call. It was like having a chunk of my heart pulled out. I was sad he was gone and relieved that the danger had passed.

2007 was a monumental year for me. In June of that year, I began a new career in waste management. After nearly twenty years working in the installation and warehousing side of the commercial office furnishings industry, I landed a job managing a materials recovery facility. Essentially, I went from opening cardboard boxes to recycling them. I knew next to nothing about waste hauling and even less about running a processing facility. Fourteen-hour days were not uncommon and the commute simply added to the load. It was about midday on a Thursday when my wife called me with the news. There was no easy way to say it. My brother Timothy had passed away the night before. I have never been a big Halloween fan. His death on October 31, 2007, didn’t improve my opinion of the day any.

Classic me, I tried to keep working. I think I was able to function for about an hour and half before I admitted to myself the impossibility of it. I had to go home. Tim was my Irish twin. He was No. 6 to my No. 7, the only other biological child of my father. I should have been prepared for my reaction to the news: shock, sorrow, and ultimately relief. Relief? Yes, relief. Please let me explain.

Timothy wasn’t dangerous like John. As far as I know, he never ran a con in his life. He loved his family, cherished our mother, and adored his daughter. He was physically talented and fearless. I see cliffs as something to climb. He climbed cliffs to find higher ground to dive from. I learned to fight for self-preservation. He liked to fight for fun. I had to teach myself how to laugh out loud. His laughter could always shake the room and was more infectious than Ebola. Though some may disagree, I believe my head outweighs my heart. His heart was always bigger than his head.

Timothy taught me to dance, got me hooked on restaurant work, and had a way of talking me into schemes I should have known better to avoid—like driving him and his best friend to a party because mom never said I couldn’t take the car, never mind that I was only fourteen and unlicensed. In many ways, ours was a case of classic sibling rivalry. But our conflicts were always tempered with an abiding affection for each other. Being last in line, we experienced the most together. It was a treasure trove of memories none of the other siblings had in common. News of his death was like taking a .45-slug to the chest. The hole is still there.

My last conversation with him was a godsend. I was at work checking on one of our auxiliary warehouses when he called me on my cell phone. He was distraught over many things. He had recently been assaulted at a gas station by a group of thugs who felt he had cut them off on the highway. The experience had left him humbled and profoundly shaken. Our brother Eric, with whom we were both very close, had moved back to Spain. To make matters worse, the Spain we had grown up in no longer existed. Prone to nostalgia, the physical loss of the country he grew up in left his identity somewhat adrift. Last but not least, his little girl was going to be a legal adult and the chances of her deciding to move out to him were slim to none. There was really ever only one salve for our wounds: Jesus.

As I spoke with Timothy, we encouraged one another in our faith. I believe I helped him define his distress and in doing so, brought some relief. If the above leads you to believe that the conversation was sad and somber because of its content, then I can only surmise that the reader hasn’t spent much personal time in the company of Larums. That is not our way. There are few traumas that we can’t laugh our way through. Aside from the usual jocularity, the joy of this conversation was in the shared hearts of brothers who truly knew each other.

Timothy worked hard and played harder. He died of a heroin overdose. Mother said he must have been shocked to come to and see Jesus. She believed as I do that the high was his aim, not suicide. He was only forty-four years old.

Hard as John was to live with, Mother never fully recovered from his death. Timothy was the only honest-to-goodness mamma’s boy among us. I feared she would sink in the sorrow of his passing and never return to us. She proved me wrong. She was always surprising like that. I had been casting about in my mind for how to broach the subject of God’s mercy in Timothy’s exit with her. She kindly beat me to the punch. “Sad as I am,” she said, “I am thankful he went that way. Maybe God allowed it to save us all from something worse. What if he had gotten into an accident drunk behind the wheel and killed someone? He wouldn’t have been able to live with that. I think God was merciful to us.” That is what I mean by relief.

My earliest memory of Timothy and Michael is the same. Ron and Mike were playing catch with Tim in the living room of our California home. Timothy was the ball and he was having a blast. Having older brothers over six feet tall when you are a toddler is like having your own personal amusement park. If Timothy wasn’t an adrenalin junkie at birth, he certainly was one by the age of three.

My next memory of Michael was of him working on our mother’s car. It was an Opel coupe. I recall coming out of the house and walking down the driveway just in time to see him reach under the hood, pick the engine up, and set it down on the ground. Did I mention that Michael was big? Some people don’t believe in giants. I grew up with them.

An imposing six-and-a-half feet tall, Michael was a gearhead and a consummate prankster. When Charles Manson was going helter-skelter, Michael was knocking on the neighbors’ doors and keeling over with a toy knife protruding from his chest, his white t-shirt smeared with ketchup. I don’t know if he ever encountered an engine he didn’t think needed to come apart. He worked as a lumberjack, married young, had two children, and ultimately found his way to being employed by IBM. My grease monkey, lumberjack, giant of a brother wound up being an executive in a high-tech computer company. Folks who may consider me to be loud and perhaps a bit obnoxious have little appreciation for the din of brilliance I grew up under. As the baby, I had to be persistent to be heard. If that didn’t work, I got louder.

Our last conversation was a godsend. Michael suffered a catastrophic stroke early in 2012. We were unsure at the time if he would survive it. He did, but not entirely. Strokes have a way of removing restraint on certain aspects of personality. Certain aspects of Michael’s personality were in continual need of restraint. His wife and children were heroic in his care, but not without a price. Eventually, my nephew Matthew had to set Michael’s phone to receive only. I had not called him in some time. My sister Barbara reached out to me to let me know Michael really wanted to hear from me. Were it not for her, I would have missed the opportunity.

I am ashamed to say that I never ventured out to California to see him in the nursing home. At first I was dealing with enough fires on the home front. But ultimately, it boiled down to plain selfishness. Selfishness and fear. I had made my way through cancer. I was weary of digging holes. I didn’t possess the courage to see him that way. I kept my distance. I’m the baby, gotta love me.

I called Michael and we had a beautiful talk. He reminisced about his last visit to Virginia. I had taken my two oldest boys, Nikolai and Gavin, to play disc golf with my brother Eric. While we were chatting in the park, an old geezer who looked like a slightly run over Mark Twain shuffled his way to us and started talking to the boys. It was all I could do to keep a straight face. Michael had them going a good while before he stood up to his imposing full height and removed his Billy Bob teeth to reveal himself. We still laugh about it. The kids were so impressed that my wife bought Billy Bob teeth for all to wear when they met the new dentist. The gag worked great. Thanks, Michael!

We talked about that epic day in the park, about the time he came to my church, about the grace of God, about the love of family. In his bed, paralyzed from the waist down and a good chunk of his brain missing, Michael talked with me as a loving, older brother. He asked about my life, about my kids, about my plans. How does someone love like that? Here I was, almost put out to call him. There he was, laid low in a nursing home loving on his baby brother. It leaves me undone.

He wrestled with survival, unsure of whether he wanted to stay or go. When the news came, the feelings were familiar: sorrow and relief. His suffering was over. His time had come. Mom had a party in heaven, I am sure.

I know our times are in His hands. I believe in the imminent return of Jesus Christ and hope to experience having my mortality swallowed up by life. But if that doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I know that my corruption will put on incorruption. All that being said, if I go before He comes the only one I want feeling any relief is the Devil. I want to be full of years and in a good old age. I want to be in the same shape as Moses, whose eye wasn’t dim nor his natural force abated.

Rest in peace, my brothers. The days of our reunion will by far outweigh the days of our lives.

 

 

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We the People

Once a glorious laboratory framed in robust Federalist rhetoric and purchased with Patriots’ blood, America sits now as a sick room, a critical care unit to a liberty nearly dead. The Republic wheezes as the SCOTUS tube drips its poisonous public policies into the network of our societal veins while the executives debate over how they plan to pull the plug. And We the People look up to them from the gurney: polarized, afraid, and caustically accusative. How did it happen? We forgot.

When memory fails, we fall for fallacies. Once the lies are believed, liberty bleeds out of us and feeds the despotism of deception. Think I overstate my case? Take the short quiz below:

President Barack Obama is responsible for the Affordable Care Act, which is why it is commonly called Obamacare, true or false?

A strong, conservative president can repeal the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion, true or false?

The purpose of the Supreme Court is to decide on the constitutionality of the laws passed by Congress, true or false?

If you felt any of these were even partially true, you have contracted Despotic Deception Disorder (DDD). I mean no disrespect with my diagnosis. The disease is hard to avoid. DDD vectors are pervasive in the Republic and can be found in the very clinics that are intended to inoculate against the malady. The free press, politicians, parents, preachers, and teachers have transmitted the propaganda of the President being the most powerful person on the planet along with the myth of the mighty court.

The Chief Executive and the Supreme Court are both part of the machinery of governance. But they are not the seat of power. They only become so when we cower under their orders or opinions to the peril of our premier founding document, the Constitution. “We the People of the United States…do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” So long as we recall that we are a nation of laws established by the governed, we will retain the liberties those laws were instituted to protect.

Which is the most powerful branch of government? Constitutionally and logically it is the legislative branch. Congress, as the direct representation of the people’s will, far outweighs the executive and judicial privileges. If only we the people would hold them to it! I believe the cure for our current malady lies in a revitalized interest in our law-making bodies, from city councils to state legislatures to US Senators and Representatives. Is the reader aware of who represents their neighborhood, county, or district? If not, I beg of you to become aware. The increasing nationalization of our politics have sapped them of substance and turned them into a Survivor-type reality show.

Does anyone seriously believe that a Hillary Rodham would have been elected as the Senator from New York, appointed as Secretary of State, and now stand as the nominated candidate for the Democratic Party? Do even sycophants the likes of Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity believe in their heart of hearts that Donald Trump was ever qualified to run for President let alone be one? Without his brand recognition, Trump’s hostile takeover of the GOP would have been impossible. The Reality Show Right refuses to admit it, just as the DNC will turn a blind eye to Mrs. Clinton’s corruption.

All this became possible because neither party is constitutionally minded; and we the people have suffered under their continual insults to our liberty for so long, I fear we have lost sight of constitutionalism ourselves. Both sides are banging the drum of the Executive to appoint the right Judiciary to reign over us. All Hail the Chief! All Hail SCOTUS!

Last I checked, Americans are supposed to elect our lawyers or hire them. Once we are in a place that the Lawyer must be appointed, our “free” phone call will be worthless.

True Horror: A Halloween Tale

Rationalists are ill equipped to deal with the realities of the underworld. Reports of paranormal activity are viewed skeptically if not derisively. People who swear they have seen a ghost or are sure that their house is haunted are considered gullible, delusional, or deceitful. Scientific man wouldn’t recognize a demon if it slapped him in the face. After all, in a universe without God, how can there be such a thing as a devil?

Despite the substantial gains that secular humanism appears to have made in establishing a materialistic world view for the masses of Western civilization, popular culture belies their success. If rationalism reigns supreme, why is Halloween one of the fastest-growing consumer holidays?[1] Modern man may take his stand to explain this away with psychological arguments about humanity’s proclivity for pretense or sociological theories about the propagation of the traditions of youth that adults bequeath to their children in commemoration of romanticized memories, but this doesn’t go quite far enough to justify the macabre. A recent survey of Halloween costume picks has witches, zombies, and vampires in the top ten. No one should be surprised, least of all the Devil; who came in a disappointing eleventh in the survey just below a three-way tie between serial killers, tarts, and politicians[2] – which one could argue would give him tenth place representation on influence alone.

To Christians who bemoan the open embracement of the occult that Halloween provides, I would advise a review of Church history if they wish to know the reasons for its popular continuance. The ancient Celtic celebration of Samhain (pronounced Sah-ween), the festival of the dead, was transmuted by the Church into All Hallows Eve through the implementation of celebrations and rites that incorporated the pagan holiday in order to be culturally relevant in their outreach.[3] This approach continues into the modern era in which fellowship halls across the Evangelical spectrum are opened up to alternative events where children can enjoy a little bit of dress up and lots of sugar in a “safe” environment. Personally, I think it would be safer for them to see the realities of the spirit realm.

The ancients believed in sacred times and places, seasons and shrines where the vail between this dimension and the next was nothing more than a wisp of gossamer easily moved aside by the wind. Such instincts led them to communal worship in admiration or for appeasement and safety. When the otherworldly was afoot, best be in the company of brothers. Anyone who has had even a fleeting moment of fear in the dark knows the sensation of a haunted place. And most have felt this brush on their skin at one time or another with the lights on. To encounter the spiritual is common to the human condition, for we are spirit beings. Halloween’s centuries long continuance is a testament of this.

But the pretend horrors of Halloween are nothing compared to the true terrors that the spirit realm holds. The costume masks are mere grotesques of the dangers of the dark. And the children of darkness hold no candle to the terrors of the heavenlies. One could pile demons, ghosts, and lycans atop all the wiccans, walking corpses, and blood suckers[4] in the world and not come close to matching the menace of the lowly insects of the spirit realm, let alone its higher beings.

Revelation 9:1-12 (Contemporary English Version)
1 When the fifth angel blew his trumpet, I saw a star fall from the sky to earth. It was given the key to the tunnel that leads down to the deep pit.
2 As it opened the tunnel, smoke poured out like the smoke of a great furnace. The sun and the air turned dark because of the smoke.
3 Locusts came out of the smoke and covered the earth. They were given the same power that scorpions have.
4 The locusts were told not to harm the grass on the earth or any plant or any tree. They were to punish only those people who did not have God’s mark on their foreheads.
5 The locusts were allowed to make them suffer for five months, but not to kill them. The suffering they caused was like the sting of a scorpion.
6 In those days people will want to die, but they will not be able to. They will hope for death, but it will escape from them.
7 These locusts looked like horses ready for battle. On their heads they wore something like gold crowns, and they had human faces.
8 Their hair was like a woman’s long hair, and their teeth were like those of a lion.
9 On their chests they wore armor made of iron. Their wings roared like an army of horse-drawn chariots rushing into battle.
10 Their tails were like a scorpion’s tail with a stinger that had the power to hurt someone for five months.
11 Their king was the angel in charge of the deep pit. In Hebrew his name was Abaddon, and in Greek it was Apollyon.
12 The first horrible thing has now happened! But wait. Two more horrible things will happen soon.

If you think these scorpions are bad news, consider the specter of the horses of the underworld:

Revelation 9:17b-19 (CEV)
17b The heads of the horses looked like lions, with fire and smoke and sulfur coming out of their mouths.
18 One-third of all people were killed by the three terrible troubles caused by the fire, the smoke, and the sulfur.
19 The horses had powerful mouths, and their tails were like poisonous snakes that bite and hurt.

As bad as these are, the Dragon is even worse.

Revelation 12:3-4 (CEV)
3 Something else appeared in the sky. It was a huge red dragon with seven heads and ten horns, and a crown on each of its seven heads.
4 With its tail, it dragged a third of the stars from the sky and threw them down to the earth. Then the dragon turned toward the woman, because it wanted to eat her child as soon as it was born.

No horror tale pretended to by man in a bid for free candy or filmed by him to sell sweets and popcorn to the adoring masses can touch the realities that hell holds captive. And the dwellers of the dark kingdom are but pale shadows of the terrifying light of the bright ones.

Ezekiel 1:4-14 (New King James Version)
4 Then I looked, and behold, a whirlwind was coming out of the north, a great cloud with raging fire engulfing itself; and brightness was all around it and radiating out of its midst like the color of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
5 Also from within it came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance: they had the likeness of a man.
6 Each one had four faces, and each one had four wings.
7 Their legs were straight, and the soles of their feet were like the soles of calves’ feet. They sparkled like the color of burnished bronze.
8 The hands of a man were under their wings on their four sides; and each of the four had faces and wings.
9 Their wings touched one another. The creatures did not turn when they went, but each one went straight forward.
10 As for the likeness of their faces, each had the face of a man; each of the four had the face of a lion on the right side, each of the four had the face of an ox on the left side, and each of the four had the face of an eagle.
11 Thus were their faces. Their wings stretched upward; two wings of each one touched one another, and two covered their bodies.
12 And each one went straight forward; they went wherever the spirit wanted to go, and they did not turn when they went.
13 As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, like the appearance of torches going back and forth among the living creatures. The fire was bright, and out of the fire went lightning.
14 And the living creatures ran back and forth, in appearance like a flash of lightning.
24 When they went, I heard the noise of their wings, like the noise of many waters, like the voice of the Almighty, a tumult like the noise of an army; and when they stood still, they let down their wings.

These creatures – taller than tornadoes, brighter than lightning, loud as the voice of the Almighty – worship One more terrifying than themselves.[5]

Revelation 1:12-18 (NKJV)
12 Then I turned to see the voice that spoke with me. And having turned I saw seven golden lampstands,
13 and in the midst of the seven lampstands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band.
14 His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire;
15 His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters;
16 He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength.
17 And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last.
18 I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.

John’s vision of Jesus glorified was far more terrible than his glimpse of Him transfigured.[6] True horror would be to perish beneath the sword of the Living Lord returning from Heaven[7], to die at the hand of the One who died for you because His grace was rejected.

2 Corinthians 6:2 (NKJV)
For He says: “In an acceptable time I have heard you, And in the day of salvation I have helped you.”  Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.

Matthew 10:28 (NKJV)
And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

This year, as in the centuries before it, many will don themselves in mockeries of the spirit realm. They will mum their way through occult pantomimes, oblivious to the true dangers lurking in the darkness or the worse danger of rejecting the Light. Man’s reason may deny these realities. But his heart and the hair at the nape of his neck know better. Evil is real, but it trembles before God.[8] It is far better to feel His embrace at our repentance[9] than to face the hand of His judgment,[10] for “it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” (Hebrews 10:31)

John 3:16 (NKJV)
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

[1] Treacy Reynolds, “Record Number of Americans Buy Halloween Costumes”, https://nrf.com/media/press-releases/record-number-of-americans-buy-halloween-costumes, accessed 10/18/15.
[2] https://nrf.com/sites/default/files/Images/Media%20Center/Costumes%209-12-15%20press.pdf, accessed 10/18/15.
[3] Jack Santino, “Halloween: The Fantasy and Folklore of All Hallows”, The Library of Congress American Folklife Center, http://www.loc.gov/folklife/halloween.html, accessed 10/30/15.
[4] The reader is free to choose vampires or politicians or both for this reference.
[5] See Rev 4:6-11
[6] Matt 17:1-2
[7] Rev 19:11-18
[8] James 2:19
[9] Luke 15:10
[10] Heb 10:31

Ten Ways to Kill a Werewolf

In the healthcare debate, lunatic lycans are getting short shrift. Typically, our government is offering no solution to this scourge.  Instead, they are hiding as they usually do behind environmentalist ideals and a liberal morality that oftentimes does more harm than good (e.g. “Save the owls, starve the loggers, fight forest fires!”).

Their cohorts in Hollywood are no help either, offering a steady stream of false mythology and monotonous meme mantras. “Silver, silver, silver!” they chant while mining our gold and attempting to confiscate the very tools we would use to propel such a charm. Idiots. Most folks know that there are more ways to kill a cat than choking it with cream.  But sadly, due to government neglect and Hollywood disinformation, most only know of one way to kill a werewolf; and it happens to be dead wrong.

Thankfully, a wealth of information exists about this problem and its potential solutions. These solutions are not for the squeamish. There are those who believe in the rehabilitation of the werewolf; of bringing it back from its bestial curse into the full fellowship of man. I think they are misguided. My step-father was a rancher. If wild dogs or coyotes dared pester his livestock, he shot them. In like manner, when werewolves attack, one needs to kill them. Following are ten different ways to get the job done.

1) Wear It Out
Werewolves have been known for millennia, but their terror and ferocity entered the consciousness of the civilized European world in the bowels of the longships. Among the thousands of Norsemen who would go on a viking[1] in lower Europe were a special class of warriors known as ulfhednar, men clad in wolf skins. They were devotees of Odin and were known to work themselves up into a tremendous rage prior to battle. Once loosed, nothing but death stopped them. Their more well-known name is berserker, bear coat, and several famous ones make our list.

The first is Kveldulf Bjalfason. King Harald Fairhair betrayed Kveldulf’s son Thorolf and killed him. After hearing the news, Kveldulf and his other son formed up with a band of berserkers and took their revenge on the king’s men. Worn out by his berserker rage, Kveldulf died of exhaustion soon after.

So, when a werewolf threatens you, befriend its firstborn and then kill it. This will enrage the werewolf (or hamrammr, shape-shifter, as Kveldulf was also known) to such a degree, that he will come after you with all his bitter energy. Then, all you have to do is survive the attack until he wears himself out. Problem solved.

2) Impale It with a Lance
The Battle of Stamford Bridge on 25 September 1066 was a pivotal day in English history. But aside from unintentionally paving the way for England’s demise under William the Bastard, it also gave us two useful ways to kill a werewolf.

The Norsemen under King Harald were expecting surrender from the English King Harold that day, not an attack. The first push from the massive English army drove the unarmored Norsemen over the bridge in bloody disarray. All, except one massive Viking who stood his ground on the narrow causeway. This ulfhedinn held the bridge single-handed in a berserker rage as the English pushed forward, four abreast. None could break past. One wily Saxon saw that frontal assault was fruitless. He stowed himself away in a barrel upstream and floated down to the bridge. Once under the Norse giant, he thrust upward with his lance through the chinks in the bridge and impaled the warrior through the groin. The Norse hero died, but not before having killed forty Englishmen while defending the bridge.

Solving a werewolf problem requires cunning as well as courage.

3) Shoot It in the Neck with an Arrow
The other famous werewolf at Stamford Bridge that day was King Harald Hardrada himself. Once the English came across the bridge and broke through the Norse line, Harald went berserk and charged into them without any body armor, swinging his sword double-handed. The sagas report that “neither helmet nor mail could stand against him.”[2] In the heat of battle, he was shot through the throat with an arrow and died.

4) Wait it Out
Werewolves can be dangerous and destructive. But sometimes it’s prudent to simply wait them out, especially if one happens to be ruling your country. Such was the case with Vseslav, the famous werewolf Prince of Poltosk. He died of old age (for his time) at sixty-two in 1101 AD.

On rare occasions, if you wait it out, your problem might just go away.

5) Burn at the Stake
Henry Boguet (1550-1619), the accomplished witch-trial judge of Burgundy, sentenced all convicted werewolves to be burned at the stake. One must suppose that they died, along with the other 30,000 suspected werewolves who were put to death in France from 1525 through 1625.

6) Tear Its Heart Out
Removing the heart was the Russian solution to their volkodlak problem. The English developed this particular method of werewolf control independently (and accidentally) in York while dealing with a particularly troublesome revenant werewolf. Run of the mill lycans are bad enough as humans by day and wolves by night. Revenants do the wolf-by-night bit, but add the nasty habit of being a corpse by day into the mix. As bloodthirsty as vampires and nowhere near as charming, they are highly disruptive to communities and downright scandalous to morticians. Having had enough of their revenant, the menfolk of York dug him out of his grave and found his body turgid as a tick with blood. They hacked through his rib cage with their spades and pulled out his heart and then burnt his body for good measure. He was never heard from again.

Sometimes, to solve your werewolf problem, you just have to get to the heart of the matter.

7) Decapitation with a Spade
Taking the head off anything is a fairly effective way of killing it. The revenant problem was not relegated to England alone. Eastern Europeans had their issues with them too. The condition was thought to be caused by dying in mortal sin. Safety-conscious Polish peoples of the 17th and 18th centuries would have revenants exhumed and beheaded with a spade. After an exorcism by the parish priest, the head would be thrown into a river where the weight of its sins would drag it down to the depths.

Getting rid of sins in water isn’t a new idea. But it works best when one is still alive.

8) Wolfsbane
The herb, not the band (though loud and persistent doses of heavy metal can also prove fatal). This herb was actually first used on werewolves by well-intentioned folks who wished to cure lycanthropy. Like many medical practices in our own time, the cure was worse than the disease (for the patient). Wolfsbane, or aconitum, is known as the Queen of Poisons. Take note: common cures can be deadly.

9) Pour Salt in the Wound
This method, without a doubt, is the most challenging to employ.[3] Difficulty number one: wound the werewolf while remaining unscathed yourself. Difficulty number two: get close enough to the wound to pour salt in it without getting killed in the process. The mid-evil Slavic heroine Kandek seems to be the only one who has successfully pulled this one off and it required all the courage and craftiness she could muster. But in the end, she successfully defeated the Hag Werewolf of Armenia.

10) Ignore Them
This is one of the standard government solutions, which first reared its ugly head in the Canton of Vaud in 1670. A boy and his mother claimed they could change themselves into wolves. But unlike the witch hunters of earlier years, no one took them seriously. Technically, this isn’t solving the werewolf problem by killing it. Its ignoring the problem by denying it. It can, however, be fatal if you’re wrong.

As you can see, the silver bullet method didn’t make the list. It is a myth from modern times, born in the twentieth century retelling of the death of the Beast of Gevaudan in 1767. This werewolf was killed by Jean Chastel, who employed prayer and common, powder-propelled lead.

There is no magic bullet, no cure-all nutritional supplement, no single investment strategy, no foolproof parental policy. One size doesn’t fit all. This world is complex. Best learn to be flexible.

[A note from the author: Thank you for spending time with me in Larumland, a unique mental landscape where spiritual contemplation, life experience, historical reflection, and current observations meet in provocative prose. For longer works by the author, please visit www.amazon.com/author/nikolas_larum. I cordially invite you to visit my other blogs as well, www.thebiblephiles.wordpress.com and www.gypsyspy.com.]

[1] Viking was originally a noun that described an activity, namely an overseas expedition.
[2] 1066 The Year of Conquest, David Howarth, © 1977 by David Howarth, Barnes & Noble Books, New York, New York, p. 140. Harald Hardrada was praised in the poetry of his day. One popular line: “the wolf was always well fed before you went homeward.” (Howarth, p. 111)
[3] Almost as difficult as catching rabbits by sprinkling salt on their tails and much more dangerous.

Quick Reads, Long Thoughts

Story shards. Poetic pieces. Quick quips. Each paragraph its own universe. Read the lines, build the rest in your mind.

He had lost faith in gravity. Tragically, gravity still believed in him.

He couldn’t stand Yankees. Always in a rush, even on a Saturday night. “If’n I gotta git ‘er pulled out by another tractor, it’s gonna cost you extra.” They didn’t care. Finish it already. On a Saturday. In the rain. The backhoe slid another inch deeper into the clay. He spit through a sneer and glared at the hole. Digging fresh graves never bothered Buck much. But he was plain ornery digging old ones.

His toe rubbed across the lip of the gallows door. No one missed that step deliberately.

The steady rhythm of the clock measured the whisper in his ear. “Your dreams remember your dreams better than your consciousness. In dreams, what sleep may come?” His mind clawed for the clock. Stay here! Don’t leave! No use. The world was gone.

Raven-feeder

Mystics and mages,

Wise men and sages

Come for relief to never-never land,

Where memories of the future

Are but things of the past.

At last I realized that I had marked her as deeply as she had ever marked me. Her wounds just took longer to show.

He was a man ahead of his time. Time was not pleased.

I wouldn’t call her an intentional glory hound, but she would steal light from a dark room.

His brow cocked and he sniffed at the question. “Time will come when Feynman’s diagrams will seem but the crude carvings of a caveman,” he replied and walked away. He was a beautifully dangerous man.

Better an approximate answer to the right question than an exact answer to the wrong one.

How like the roulette the

Centrifuge appears —

Will it birth miracles

Or spawn our deepest fears?

Nothing was injured but my pride. Unfortunately, it would heal.